I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
