whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
