the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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