New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
