i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Randomize
