i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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