Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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