Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
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