non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
