I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
