Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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