I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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