Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
