Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
