I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
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