and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Randomize
