i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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