i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
