Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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