i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Randomize
