I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
