If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
