Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
