theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
