I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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