Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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