I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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