I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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