im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
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