she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Randomize
