remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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