Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
