They should really pass out barf bags in church
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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