i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
