Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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