I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
this is an emotional support booty call
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
