I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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