I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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