My sheets look like a crime scene.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
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