Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
