I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i will never coherently bang her
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Randomize