Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
