I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
