Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
