my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
