i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
