I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
