everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Randomize
