I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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