I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
