We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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