hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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