We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize