we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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