Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
