Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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