Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize