Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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