operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
