Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
