I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
i jhust puked up my retainher.
I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
