Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
