I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Randomize
