3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
